Entry #5

"My conscience told me to run, but some irrational and powerful force was resisting, like a weight pushing me toward the war. What it came down to, stupidly, was a sense of shame. hot, stupid shame. I did not want people to think badly of me... I was ashamed of my conscience, ashamed to be doing the right thing." (page 49)

How often, do we ignore our conscience? Everyone has done it at some point in time. That little voice telling you to not fight with a friend, to help the homeless man on the side of the street, or to stop speaking badly of people. Well in O'Brien's case, his conscience was telling him to run. To run to Canada and not look back. He knew from the moment he received his draft that he wasn't meant for war; he was "too smart, too compassionate, too everything" (page 39).

Eventually, he turned against his conscience because of what other people would think of him. This is another action that we are all guilty of at some point in time. I know that I have personally made decisions based on what I thought other people would think of me and if you ask me, this is ridiculous. Decisions should be made because we want to make them, not because someone else wants or expects us to. O'Brien made what may have been the biggest decision of his life because of shame and what others would think. He was ashamed to have feelings and to do what he believed to be the right thing.